She often had lots of say about what was going on in many parts of her life – her work, her children, her husband, her large circle of friends, her ageing parents, her many pastime activities. A full life brimming. And then she would burst into tears about something, like she had reached a breaking point and needed to release some unexpected unidentified emotional charge. And once the emotion had subsided, she would be off again, onto something completely different.
After a visit to her parents, she listed many things that had happened, in exquisite detail, and all the different moments which had been so triggering for her. And how angry she was. How disappointed. It was like watching a fireworks display, explosions here, and then here and then over there. It was hard to know where to begin. I dared not ask her where to begin least she feel even more confused or bemuddled than she already seemed be. So I waited for things to settle.
“You know,” she said after a while, “I am really good at distracting myself. And others too.” She looked me right in the eye with a beaming smile when she said that. I began to wonder if she really able to read my mind.
“You know it’s all simply a facade,” she continued.
And then she took a deep breath, letting the significance and depth of the felt sense of what she had just said sink in.
“When I let go of all of that busyness, all that jumping around and looking after other people, when I can manage to stand back from it all, and just see it that way, I can see that it’s just a facade. That it’s all just a distraction. Then I can feel how I really am – in a permanent state of panic.”
Her eyes glistened over as the pain of meeting and admitting this struck home.
“I am trying to be safe with myself and I can’t. Inside I am drowning all the time. And at the same time I am trying to teach that part of myself who is drowning how to swim. And I try and I try and it doesn’t work.”
In the silence I began to imagine her in a boat leaning over the edge, desperately trying to teach that part of herself in the water to swim. But it was drowning in front of her very own eyes. The more she tried, the more she failed, and the more that drowning, panic-stricken part became more panic-stricken.
“What would happen if you stopped trying to teach that panic-stricken part of yourself to swim. What would happen then?” I suddenly asked.
She sat quietly for a moment to consider my proposition. She then remembered how when she came back from visiting her parents, she stood in the kitchen all by herself. She had imagined that after all the family commotion she would be able to experience some sense of respite by looking out the window into the garden. But she didn’t. Instead all she felt in the kitchen was this inner state panic pounding in her chest.
The level of panic was too high for her to work with directly. So I asked where she felt less panic in her body, and when she did, found an access point in her visual field for this less activated state.
To my surprise, she fell into an unusually quiet state very quickly, not saying a word, letting the silence carry her. We sat there for quite a long time with nothing apparently happening.
I continued to imagine her leaning over the side of the boat. Only this time, I murmured to her to let go of giving swimming lessons and simply put her hand under the woman’s head. My inner scenario unfolded in the quietness of the room and I imagines the drowning woman becoming all calm, floating on her back in the water, her hear supported.
The tension between us eased in some noticeable way. Maybe it was because her breathing softened or her shoulders dropped slightly. I wasn’t sure what it was. But it felt like a good moment to ask her what was happening.
“I don’t know why this memory popped up. But when I was younger, I used to go to the local swimming pool with my friends. I wasn’t much of a swimmer. I didn’t really know how to swim. But I could manage to get from one end of the pool to the other. And sometimes there were big girls there. A bit older and bossy – yes. But well intentioned. Anyway one day one of them came over to me and she offered to show me how to float. She put her hand under my head and held me and told me to relax my legs. And I suddenly was able to float. It was wonderful.
So whenever I go to the pool, it’s what I like to do most. Float.
